How kids change your life

10 Things every new parent needs to know [via Being Daddy]

Stealth Disco

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Insults and jokes

Insultmonger

Samples:

I once made love for an hour and five minutes. It was on the day you push the clocks ahead.
- Garry Shandling

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
- Lewis Grizzard

My wife and I were happy for twenty years - then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
- Robin Williams

Sex drive: a physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.
- Robert Byrne

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring.
- Emo Phillips

My wife has a slight speech impediment. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jack Durante

Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.
- Marion Pearson

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code...he turned himself in.
- Rita Rudner

There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he doesn't believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
- Bob Philips

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner

Play with your kids, yourself!

"Talked to a 20-something guy today who told me he has a great side business going: he "tutors" little kids--kids as young as two--in sports. Upper middle class parents virtually throw money at him, and he plays sports with their kids on weekends. These are not single moms concerned that their boys will somehow lack for male role-models (I asked). These are families with healthy moms and dads.

He theorized that they are guilty parents who work too much, paying him to make up for what they are unable to do for their kids. I would agree with him, except I would replace his words "are unable" with the words "choose not."

Memo to these dads: put down the damn wallet and go play with your kids!"

From Full Time Father Blog

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